Maybe I’m not really qualified to write this. I’m not a man. (My husband would say, “Good thing, too.”) But I have a few observations to make, and maybe Nicholas will feel convicted to pick up the thread on his blog.

Christian men want Christian women. They do not want churchy women, women who use the church as a social club or a status ladder. False piety really bothers the Christian man. If he has a loving and and real relationship with Christ, he is just not going to tolerate hypocrisy. A woman can’t serve two masters, either. She must serve Christ first, and not follow the world.

I think traditional Christian men get treated with suspicion by the world and by worldly people in the church. A true Christian man does not put himself before Christ in his wife’s life. He knows he is subordinate to the Word of God. He is, as the centurion said to Jesus, “Also a man under authority.” And the Christian man will always hold his place as ordained by God, not chosen by himself or given as divine right.

In the household the husband and father stands in the place of Christ. He has to be Love and Law in his own house. Yes, that means he has to wear the pants, but it also means that his authority is tempered by empathy and mercy. He is stern when he must be stern, but he is gentle when it is best to be gentle.

A Christian man stands in his household in humility, not arrogance. He listens to his wife and family. He gives them a voice in decisions. Sometimes he will defer to his wife’s better judgment in some things. This does not mean she can use argument to wear him down and win her own way. If he disagrees with her, then she must yield. If he is truly wrong, it will become evident in time and the humble man will correct his mistake. And she doesn’t get to gloat then, either. Humility is for everyone.

I’m going to make an aside here: If you disagree with this, fine. This is how I see it. This is how the church has taught family living for centuries. It’s one of the things we inherited from Judaism. It works, and it works well, as long as it is a Christian family (or a traditional Jewish family, but I am not going to keep qualifying that.) There’s no need to come back with case studies where men have failed their families. I was a parish priest, and believe me, I know those cases. The world is in a mess because of sin, not because of men. If you haven’t noticed, this is not a feminist blog.

So a man has a great honour, and a great responsibility in his family: He must be as Christ to them. That means he must sacrifice all if called to that. It means he will work the extra hours to provide housing and food, or to pay for medical care. It means he will go without if they need something. It means that he will show respect for all his family, both in private and public. It means his private and public selves are the same person. We have all known the church-going husband and father who looked like a pillar in public but browbeat his family at home, or worse. Would Jesus scream at someone because dinner was late or the car fender scratched? No, of course not. Face it – Jesus probably never cared all that much if a meal was late, or property was damaged. Those things are transitory. Love and understanding and forgiveness are eternal. A Christian man wants to give this to his family.

Certainly Christian men want wives who are faithful in every way. Modern women think it is somehow funny or cute to look at other men, comment on them, even speculate sexually about them. This is humiliating to men, both to the husband and to the man who is the target. (A man who enjoys that kind of attention is pathetic.) Christian women do not have imaginary affairs with neighbors or television actors or someone they saw at the gym. This kind of fantasy is a betrayal of one’s husband’s trust. “And the two shall become one,” means that there is no room for a third party.

Men want to know that their wives back them up. Women can’t be two-faced, and tell the husband one thing while doing another. That is lying. Christian men want honest women. They want co-parents in the family, not another child or a secret opponent. Parents must work together and be agreed on the issues of family. It has to be done consciously. Men want women who can discuss family issues openly and frankly, without anger and resentment.

Men do not want women who are overgrown children. A Christian man does not need a spoiled brat sharing his home and bank account. A man needs a woman who is equally responsible, who carries her own weight and a good share of the home responsibilities. If the wife works outside the home, as so many must, her earnings are family income, not her own, unless all are agreed that she should keep a portion for her own needs. But no one should expect that her money is her money, and his money is her money, and he’s just a paycheck coming in. “I work so I can have my own spending money,” is a selfish attitude. If you must work, work for your family, not yourself.

Many Christian men would like a wife who stays at home to work. Given the choice, I think a lot of families would prefer fewer material things and more comfort and care from the wife and mother. No one needs a really big house, a swimming pool, a new car, a vacation home, or a trip to Disneyland. Really. (Oh, I know, swimming pools are therapeutic for some people, but most of us have no need.) Most of us don’t need new clothes and shoes every season or weekly shopping trips to the mall. We don’t need satellite tv or even televisions. We live far beyond our means even when we have enough income to pay for everything, because we end up ruining the earth around us and depriving others. 

A woman at home means a more stable family, when she is willing to cook, clean, sew and garden. When the wife at home has a loving and Christian attitude towards her work, then the rest of the family will benefit directly.

Christian men want women who are willing to work at raising a family. This may mean homeschooling, lots of extra laundry and cleaning, a huge amount of patience and self-discipline. But all is possible with God! The wife should expect that she will do the women’s work, and not complain of it. That doesn’t mean her husband and children get to treat her like a servant, but that the responsibility for the home is hers. Husbands and children should be willing to pitch in when necessary, and children, both male and female, need to learn how to do housework by doing it with their mother. But it is not up to the husband who is working to support the family to take a turn at hanging out the wash or scrubbing the kitchen floor.

Christian men want to be respected, loved and honoured, even when they haven’t done as well as they thought they could. They do not respect nagging and arguing. A raised voice is always unattractive; women need to address their husbands without anger and recrimination. And husbands must be even-handed and even-tempered as well!

The world is way off track when it comes to relationships. It’s anything goes in so many ways. It’s everyone for himself, get what you can. This is not the Christian way. The Christian woman is modest, honest, faithful and loving. She respects her husband and listens to him. He is the center of her life. She sees Christ in him, and reflects Christ to him.